new understanding of relationships

Relationships...Are Not:

an institution
for "soul mates"
necessarily "meant to be" (in some cases, perhaps)
a way for another person to "complete" you in every way
something bigger than the individuals themselves

I used to see relationships as more institutional, like something that was bigger than you that you joined or became a part of, like the Kiwanas. But thinking of it that way, the responsibility for the success of the relationship did not depend on me at all. If you rely on a relationship's "meant to be" quality, then if it succeeds, it was destiny. If not, it just wasn't the right person or right time or whatever. This is fatalistic. I think the power to having a successful relationship is in our hands. A relationship is nothing more than two individuals committing and binding themselves to one another. There is nothing that HAS to hold them together. Not fate. Not destiny. It's a choice. Someone told me recently that in some country in Eastern Asia (can't remember which), the fathers tell their daughters not to be picky in choosing a husband. But to focus all their energy on making the marriage work.

This is totally backwards from our society, where you have to nail down your personality and find someone that complements it perfectly (a "soul mate"). This sets impossible expectations. People grow and change, and they have to have the freedom to do that and to be who they are. I used to think more along these "meant to be" lines, but I now know that relationships take work! You don't feel a happy magical feeling every day. The truth is (in my mind), if you find someone you love, someone you want to be with, someone you want to commit yourself to, the most important thing is to be faithful, loyal, and committed. Be patient and understanding. And love at all times, even when it's hard or you are in a fight.

I wrote this because I am sometimes too controlled by my emotions. Loving only when it's easy. Also, I just realized that relationships are really fragile things. You have to fight for them. It's not going to be easy to commit to someone long term. And there is nothing that holds you together except for the commitment of both parties. And if you are committed but the other person isn't, better let them decide for themselves. You can't force someone to love you. And chances are, if you ease up, they will probably come to their senses. : )

Relationships...Are:
a commitment
a sacrifice (but a much greater gain, MUCH greater)
a product of willpower at times and love in action
a continuous effort
and lastly, a choice

I don't encourage anyone who is in an abusive relationship to stay and fight (I guess that would be circumstantial), but for the most part, I think relationships can last if we choose to make them work. Don't just throw in the towel. Even a relationship that has unhealthy aspects can be restored. Our society is characterized by broken relationships, and I think it's because we want what's convenient and what satisfies all our needs for the moment. We don't want to give or lay down our "sense of individuality" to be in a relationship of compromise and understanding. So, yeah, just some thoughts. And encouragement.

If you want to make it work, you can. It's in your power.